insufferable lashing of words
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Takaba has a cold and Asami wants to take care of him…but who's the more vulnerable one?


**fandom - Viewfinder**  
 **title - insufferable lashing of words.**  
 **rating - pg-13**  
 **pairing - asami x takaba**  
 **description – Takaba has a cold and Asami wants to take care of him…but who's the more vulnerable one?**

 **disclaimer – Viewfinder isn't mine, but beautiful Yamane-sensei's.**

 **insufferable lashing of words.  
by miyamoto yui**

There were times that I wondered why the hell I did what I did.

Why did I do this to myself? What was I trying to prove by running around in search of the 'truth'? In finding it, did I feel accomplished at the end or did I feel I had purposely ripped something out of my own chest?

At times, I felt like both happened simultaneously.

Though there was no room for tears from someone like me, I protested against them with all my might. I was too proud to do such a thing. But if only-

As my eyes remained closed, I felt nauseous, but a warm feeling had overcome everything. It was a gentle pressure that made me feel at ease, but a little apprehensive at too. So, when I forced myself to open my eyes, I felt the aching of my whole body. I became conscious of everything that hurt.

And I began to cough violently.

But as I was being lifted up, my breath was being sucked away.

When things became a bit clearer, I was watching that familiar starch blouse with that scent that could never be erased from my mind or my body no matter how many times I tried to wash it off. My head tapped onto his chest as I leaned my weight on him.  
I saw his arms wrap around me.

I woke up with a jolt as the medication went down my throat and unnerved when I pointed my head upwards to see him right in front of me. Shamefully, my lips vulnerably still wanted to be kissed some more as the water dripped down one side of my face…

My eyes wandered over his head to catch a brief glimpse of the hanging prints over my bed.

"I knew something was wrong when you wouldn't answer your phone, even if you were just going to hang up on me."

Tiredly, I tried to focus my sleepy eyes on his face as his usually composed expression was splattered with bits of rigidity and concern.  
"I'm fine. I'm just a little overworked."

Out of reflex, I tensed up. Then, I blurted out, "There's no reason why you should be here. Go home, Asami. I can take care of myself."  
At that moment, he crouched a bit and smirked to spite me. "What? Are you afraid of me taking advantage of you while you're like this?"  
Plainly, I pouted. "Yes, exactly."  
He chuckled to himself. "Stubborn no matter what the season is."  
"Yes, so leave."

He ignored me. "You've been out for three days. To even lose some hours of work makes you a fanatic."  
"How did you get in here anyway?"  
"I had a little talk with the manager."  
I commented wryly, "I really need to move."  
At that moment, he closed his eyes. A small, genuine grin crept onto his face and it was filled with relief. "If you can still make a joke, I guess you're not doing too badly."

I began coughing again. "I hate being sick."

At that moment, he positioned me so that he could carry me. "You're coming with me."  
But I stopped him though. I held onto his sleeve and shook my head. "Aren't you supposed to be at a meeting or something, doing whatever you do?"

Asami chuckled as he looked at me. "But didn't you tell me to take a day off?"  
"Huh? When did I say that?"  
"When you were sleeping, you grabbed onto my sleeve and told me to stay with you."  
"I wouldn't do something like that. Especially not to you."  
He insisted, "You did, Takaba."

At that he got up and pushed his white sleeves up. When he stood up, I looked up to him from the bed.

"Is there anything you prefer to eat?"  
"You cook?"  
"I know a few things."  
"Never thought that cooking was one of them." I turned over to watch him as he took the apron hanging on a hook on one side of the kitchen. He was pulling on the strings when he came over to me. He leaned forward to kiss me and then finished tying the strings. "You thought it was only things like this?"  
I looked to one side before he went back to see what was in the refrigerator.

Even though I was very fatigued, I kept my eyes open as much as I could to gaze at him. It was something I'd never seen and it intrigued me for some weird reason.

Maybe it was because it made him look human…  
And we acted as if we'd always been close…

It was odd, yet a little bit comfortable.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

As much as it was below me, he fed me like a little kid. I hated when he treated me that way, and laughed at the madder I got.  
After I ate the mushroom omelet he made for me, he carried me into the tub. But when he placed me on one side of it, he started to take off his clothes too.  
"What do you think you're doing?"  
He slid off his shirt and unzipped his slacks. "Need you ask an obvious question?"

At that moment, he came into the small tub with me and sat against the tile wall. My back was towards him as he grabbed a cloth and washed me with the water.  
"Cramped, isn't it?" I commented irritated, but coughed a little.  
He pressed his lips against my neck as a response. "Yes, but maybe this bathroom's the smallest one I've ever been in."  
"Well, sorry for being poor."  
Dipping the cloth into the water, he patted my arms and chest. "You're crankier than usual."  
"I'm sick and you won't leave me alone."  
"Not when the tub is very relaxing."  
I squirmed. "Not for me. Aren't you becoming a little comfortable here?"  
"Must be your imagination."

The water dripped and I looked at everything in the bathroom but him. But my eyes kept on glancing at the kind manner he handled me...  
He continued to wash me without talking and I continued to show my irritation, embarrassed at how calm he always did things. But when he was done, he held me in his arms with my back pressing onto his chest. He held me tightly and I couldn't protest.

I didn't feel like it.

Somehow, I just couldn't.

=====

"Achoo!" I rubbed my nose and pouted more at him.

It was already late afternoon when he dressed me and carried me back to bed. He even dried my hair as I sat on the edge while looking into his concentrated face.  
"Don't you ever smile, Asami?" I poked the ends of his mouth with my fingers. "Having a stern face all day…it'll harden that way. Or maybe, even more than it already has."  
"Not all of us are given the luxury to be as carefree as we'd like to be."  
"I have my problems too, you know."  
He looked into my eyes as he stopped rubbing my hair. With the towel still on my head, we looked at one another. "But not everyone is brave enough to tell the truth."

My heart stirred and it pinched within itself.

"What? Are you talking about my stupidity to endanger my life every single day in order to get an interesting story?" I turned my head away. "Or to be constantly humiliated by someone I'm chasing after because he happens to have that important article that I need to capture into print?"

This was the line that always divided us.  
It was more than wealth, status, and name. It was the fact that we knew where we stood with one another and where we each didn't want to go to, but couldn't help as the days went by since the first time we'd met.

I closed my eyes tightly. "So to hear the words I've always wanted to hear from someone…to hear them from you confuses me more than I already am."

"Takaba…"

When I opened them, he wasn't looking at me, but standing tall with his hand delicately touching one of the prints hanging over me. As I put the towel to one side of the bed, I watched him as he touched them gently with his fingers, so unlike how he handled me whenever we were together.  
I was even more perplexed by his behavior.

"What do you think of your work?" he asked me as he eyed one in particular, but I couldn't see it because he turned it a bit upwards to look at it more closely.  
I sighed. I was trying to tell him something important, but as always, he smoothly eluded my attempts to get to know him. Why I even bothered or why I even wanted to know was beyond me, but I was more scared of the fact that I _did_ want to know. Some part of me wanted to know about his true words, not the ones he used to puzzle me. And also, I wanted to know why I was doing this to myself, sinking deeper and deeper into quicksand.

I was like a light bulb flickering out. The filament was actually melting within itself…

"I love my work. Everyday, I get to see new adventures. Whether it's a stolen shot of a mother scolding her child or someone running away from a crime scene, I'm there to experience all these things. Even if it's risky, I'm there for the rush. I'm actually paid to deliver that rush to everyone." I began to laugh and smile just a little. "Everyone used to make fun of me for wanting to become something like this, but I didn't let them discourage me. Whether their intentions were good or bad, I was too stubborn to change because I liked doing it. Taking pictures became an addiction."

His eyes looked away from the photo and then at me, but his fingers didn't let go of the picture. "I do what I've always done because there's nothing else I've known, so everything became a game to me. To see who could be the best manipulator, that was the goal. And contrary to what everyone thinks, it wasn't easy."  
Then, he pinched the clothespin and dropped the picture onto the bed. "But only to you am I this transparent. I often wonder why."

There he was. Asami was in front of his car lighting up his cigarette before going in. His profile stared back at me, but his eyes were cold and motionless. There was no life in them.

Not like the man whose hands always touched my body with such heat and desire…

It was then that I began to study Asami's minutely changing expressions as he told me, "You are able to walk from place to place without worrying every moment if someone is watching you. As for me, I go from place to place, but is there really a particular destination that can avoid hell altogether? No. The descent just becomes faster, Takaba."

He took my chin in between his fingers and rubbed them on the sides of my throat before holding up my jaw. Then, he leaned forward to look straight into my eyes. "And you are still able to speak out your mind even when all the odds are against you. It may seem like stupidity, but to do what you want to do no matter the circumstances, without being told to, is beyond mere, simple comprehension."  
"You don't make sense, Asami," I said as his face came closer to mine. "Of all people, I don't want to hear this from you-Mmm…"

When he pulled his head away, he whispered into my ear while putting his hand up my pajama top, "Who else do you want to hear this from?"

I pushed him as I began coughing and burning up even more than usual. "Go home. You're low to take advantage of my sickness and saying all the things you did. I don't need you to do that. Of all people, not you…."  
One hand unbuttoned my shirt as I weakly tried to push him away while he pushed me to lie on my bed with the other. "You don't want me to tell you that I've bought every picture you've ever published?"

I blinked my eyes. "What?"

Were you serious?

"That even inanimate objects become alive in your hands?"

What were you saying?

Then, he pulled away from me. With both of my hands pinned down with one of his, he looked down at me with an unbreakable, greedy expression. "You got sick because of your love for your own profession."  
His eyes averted away, filled with displeasure and resentment. It almost looked like jealousy…

For a moment, he looked lonely…

"For us, there is no room for anything, it seems."  
When he gazed at me again, he smirked conceitedly and pulled away from me. He stood up and straightened his collar. "I must return to work now."

I was distraught. What did you mean by that?  
And you…were pulling away from me…?

His fingers took a hold of my clothing as he buttoned up my pajama top and pulled on my shorts just to tease me. Then, he put the covers up to my chest.

When I turned my head towards the doorway, he started to put on his jacket. Asami pulled out a cigarette and nodded his head. "Don't be stupid enough to die."  
He headed towards the door and I eyed his back.

It was something that pinched my heart all together.  
A scene that I think I didn't want to ever see…

I knew nothing about him. I didn't know where he lived or what exactly he did. All the answers I had turned out to become more questions, and yet…I still…

Somewhere inside me, his presence lingered and took a hold of me.  
So, I wanted it to be the same for him towards me.

Childish and selfish as it may have seemed, I wanted him to see nothing but me. It was only fair.

I began to cough violently all over again. It reminded me of those other times I got sick in which I worked so hard, but felt dissatisfied. These were the times that I knew I should have said something and had been as 'earnestly honest' as everyone took me for.

These were the times I hated myself for living a somewhat 'double life'.

To be what others saw and what I saw myself as…  
Behind and before the viewfinder, I knew I was not the same person.

Hurtfully, I knew that more than anyone, but my pride always got in the way.

Being crowded by my coughs, I didn't notice that he came back to me. And this time, he took me decisively into his arms. I continued to cough as he put his jacket over me and carried me, taking my phone and my keys off my computer desk on his way out.  
He didn't even look at me as that harsh face of his looked forward. I blinked up at him still coughing. I held onto his clothing as he held me protectively.

When we drove off, it was completely dark inside. The tinted windows were up and even the screen separated the driver and us. I was sitting on his lap with my knees touching the back of the seat.

Quietly, as my forehead touched the seat behind him, he hugged me with his head pressed onto my shoulder.

Even if he might deceive me in the end, I hated myself for caring for such a person.  
Tenderly, I lifted up my arms to put them around him.

When I did so, he began to kiss my neck with his hand already going inside of my shorts. I winced and cringed as he made fun of me for being so responsive already. And I knew it was more than being sick. He had conditioned for me to be this way and I couldn't help it anymore even though I tried to hold myself back.  
His teeth showed as he smiled with his bangs over his eyes while my eyes opened and shut, regarding his pained face. Almost as if I didn't want to face it, I pulled his face to mine and kissed him as hard as I could…

You always deceived me with your cruel words, but you were always honest with me with your body. Though you may have been the devil incarnate to the world, in this darkness, you were just someone holding onto another person for comfort.

I didn't know how to respond to this Asami and nor did I recognize him.  
I didn't think you knew either.

And allthemore, I became aware of the truth you didn't want me to know behind that smirk….  
…and that, unconsciously and consciously, I gradually wanted to be imprisoned by those prying eyes, becoming someone I distantly knew to my own self…

But most of all, I was scared that the insufferable lashing of words we said,  
and even more the ones we wanted to deny,

to callously hurt one another

would mean something someday…

Maybe, somehow, you were too.

 **Owari.**  
 **-**  
 **author's note –** This was a fic that was stuck in my head for the past couple of days and took a series of everyday attempts to get it finished. And then I had to do a little researching on Takaba's apartment. ^^;;; I hope you'll just um…take it with artistic license.  
All in all, I just wanted a different feel to their characters, but also to make them much deeper than from what I've read of the manga. I know it will take me a while to truly understand and embody their characters into print, but I hope that you will enjoy this experimenting with me.

Sincerely,  
yui

Monday, July 25, 2005  
3:23:59 AM


End file.
